Boundaries are often misunderstood, as creating and maintaining effective loving boundaries, is much more than learning to say ‘no’, yet this is a part. The pleaser role is something we learnt in our early years, seeking to have our needs met is, yet this can interfere with having effective boundaries as we mature. This pattern is a way of coping and needs our acceptance, if we seek to have effective boundaries. Most of us weren’t taught it was ok to say ‘no’ as children, as were more likely told to be easy to get on with, don’t make waves and the like. Or maybe we were strong minded and noisy, told to quieten down. Of course, it isn’t about blaming our parents, as parents do the best they can, with what they have. Yet we can review and make new choices here and now. How could life be different for you?

The reality is most of us weren’t taught the value of having effective boundaries. There is a common notion from a young age that you must share everything whether food or toys yet this can be confusing, as we are not taught that there is a innermost part of us that is just for us, that part that is sacred and pure where we can commune inwards. It is heartening some schools are teaching mediation and mindfulness to young children, so they can have an experience of connecting deeper within themselves. This connection can occur in nature, where we experience a connection with something much bigger than our human experience. Or perhaps before sleep or experiences in the sleep state. There may have been no one to tell of these experiences or to encourage them as part of a richer and deeper way to engage with life, beyond the immediate world. What does this evoke for you?

Perhaps we are feeling no wonder it is difficult to say ‘no’ and understand it isn’t easy for most people. There is a tendency to be triggered and resentful saying ‘no’ or feelings of guilt and selfishness can arise or feelings of doom; what will happen to me if I don’t please the requester. Or perhaps saying ‘yes’ was going to be best way, yet coming from a clear, uncharged place is the only way you will know. Words are much more than words as the energy component enlivens them and this can be uplifting for others or feel like a slap in the face. How would it be to say ‘no’ without needing to justify or explain?

The setting and maintaining of boundaries work best when it comes from a place of self-value and self-worth that is aligned to higher values that are for the good of all, serving to uplift and support evolution. Yet we will be unable to discern this if we aren’t grounded and present in ourselves. So, learning the basics of managing our self is key. Like leadership we are unable to lead others until we lead ourselves. Otherwise we aren’t authentic encouraging others by modelling. Inauthenticity undermines much of what is possible on our beautiful planet, where leaders aren’t holding themselves to account, being role models for others to emulate. This might feel overwhelming, yet it is possible when we begin with ourselves. Learning and applying effective boundaries within self.

Humility is a great place to begin as we can acknowledge we have learnt a thing or two and know we have more to learn. We want to know more; we are hungry for more understanding of our self and prioritise learning every day. What can I learn about myself here and at the end of the day what did I learn about myself today? Sounds simple and it is and like all things that work it requires consistency. Not doing it just when we feel good about our self, rather every day. It doesn’t need to take long, 5-10 minutes, to create a space for reflection and the more we practise the more we value it and we tend to uncover more. However, this doesn’t replace a mentor if you are serious about evolving, as we all have blind spots or things that are hidden from our view. A mentor can assist you to uncover these blind spots and you work together. A mentor doesn’t do the work for you, rather guides you to be more of your potential. Someone who has experience of reflection and prioritizing evolution who can assist you. Someone to champion your growth and challenge you when you are struck.

I’ve had some wonderful mentors over the years and continue to have a mentor. Even if we have people in our lives who champion our growth, and this isn’t common, it doesn’t replace the role of a mentor who isn’t a loved one with their own investment in the relationship.

Like to explore more?

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